It's a Hard Knock Life

Stress took a toll on me emotionally and physically. Emotions everywhere, health in whack. Need to get myself back on track.

How can I be so happy and so sad at the same time? Why is it always when one thing is so right, other things just go sooo wrong? I think I was given an easy break on life in the beginning and now it [Life] is coming back to show me what it's all about.

It's hard knock life...

Tis the season to be jolly?

Isn't this time of year suppose to be joyous? At least that is what we are all brought up to think. "Get into the holiday mood" and "Tis the season to be jolly" everyone says. Not to sound like a Scrooge or anything, but Christmas season always makes me plain sad and unfortunately, the list of things that make me sad just keeps growing~!

Once upon a time years ago, it use to be the time of year where everyone got together, ate a lot, played cards, sang, and just enjoyed each others company into the wee hours of the night. Now we have become so commercial, so materialistic, so UP TIGHT! Oh how I would love to just experience an old Christmas, a Christmas like it use to be.

When I think of the month December, I do not think of Christmas and happy times anymore. Of course, it crosses my mind, but it is not the first thing I think of. The first thing that I think of is my brother Johnnie who passed away, his birthday is on December 17th. My heart still hurts to this day thinking of how he was unable to experience all the things in life. I sometimes try to imagine what he would be doing if he were still alive and what he would look like.

The next thing that comes to mind is my friend, Petronela, who passed away a few months before our high school graduation. Petronela's birthday is on December 21st, her life as well ended too early. She would have done great things in life that would have benefited not only herself, but everyone around her. She would have made more of a difference in this world than she already had.

The third thing that comes to mind is how I was proposed to on December 24th by the lying, cheating, verbally, mentally, and physically abusive, Solida Thach. What was suppose to be one of those "joyous" moments you think about and cherish for life, turned into a bitter feeling that just lingers in me. Everything that happened before and after that event can occur as it did, but I think if I could take back that day to erase, I would. All the happiness, smiles, congratulations, cheers, tears of joy that happened that day would be okay if forgotten. I won't be selfish and say I hope I never went through the heartache I did, because everyone goes through it and that is life. However, everything that happened on December 24, 2007 was just something you shouldn't have to think about... EVER! Not only does Christmas remind me of the proposal, but it reminds me of all the things he did bad to me. I don't TRY to remember the day he proposed, it's just engraved into my memory because it was close to a holiday and was during a holiday party. Tell me what type of person will forget THAT day if it was on a holiday?!?!?!? You just can't ever by pass it or forget about it one year because Christmas happens every year! Someone, please shed some light on me and tell me if I am wrong.

All the above mentioned makes Christmas season and the month of December sad for me, but to make it even worse I can unfortunately add another reason to my list on how December is not as jolly as it's cut out to be... my grandmother's passing. It came as if sadness had to totally engulf the entire month. Is this moment for real? Just reading the words after I had typed them does not feel real. I am having a difficult time accepting that she will not be at her home for me to visit or that I will never be called on again to take her to a doctors appointment or stay overnight at her house because everyone is out of town. Even though I am far away in Massachusetts, it's still hard to imagine that it really will NEVER happen again.

So, I will raise my glass this holiday season and make a toast, a toast to the months January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, and November. Although, all the months do have things that go wrong, I toast to them for not making my memories sad as December's.

What if...?

Sometimes I just sit around and think about all the "what ifs", but what good does that do, right? I have already made a decision in my life to do a certain thing or what ever has happened is already said and done. I guess I have these issues of moving forward and always dwelling over things that just should not matter anymore because the fact is... I just have to continue moving forward and doing things to help myself, after all, I am the only one living my life.

My sister once wrote to me "I would like for you to realize that God never gives us more than we can handle. As difficult as it may seem...have faith that all will mend itself, you will survive and be stronger than you were. If you do not have faith...I hope you rest a little easier in the fact that I will have that faith for you. A lot of times we can never understand why these things happen until we reach the end and see that we are so much happier and more grateful than we would have been if it were not for the struggles that led to it. The hard part is traveling through this path and not knowing when the end is."

I know everything happens for a reason, but I would really like to have some really good things happen. How do I turn my luck around? Where do I begin? How do I start? Is a positive attitude the way to go? It feels as if once I overcome an obstacle another always appears and makes itself known so I feel as if I am constantly trying to keep myself in a good optimistic mood rather than actually BEING in a good optimistic mood.

Do you think some people are just cut out for being a responsible and successful adult and some are just not? All I feel inside is that I want to explore and do so many things without the worries of work, money and having to build a home. I wonder if all people think or feel this, if they do then why is life all about who you are and/or who you will become?